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What’s a Summer Without the US Open Series?

July 28, 2008

We are now officially in the midst of the the US Open Tennis Series where 200 tennis players from around the world will treat us to sand in-the-eye fashion choices of the companies that endorse them. Unless, of course, you are Bethanie Mattek (right and below, left) and have your own special brand of, this is what a tennis dress looks like after an evening of Ciroc and cranberry juice followed by boilermakers hewn out of Jager and beer.

There are For those of us sports watchers inclined to turn to ESPN2 for something more than watching Skip Bayless’ contorted face as he screeches at whatever black person the network can conjure for him to demean - yes, we were treated to “Nelly versus Skip” one glorious ESPN morning - or for late-night reruns of the late Stu Ungar’s cocaine-ravaged nose pulp as he sits next to “Dolly” Brunson who looked old then, too.

For us, there is NASCAR Now. Just kidding, that’s the afternoon fare.

For us so wanting for one-on-one human battle that does not involve beating someone until their face appears ready to float from their heads and for those of us who also possess satellite television, there is the US Open Tennis Series, officially the Olympus US Open Tennis Series. Oddly, just outside the doubles alleys Olympus is not the decal of choice, it is ATP Master’s Series.

So what we really have here in tennis land during the post-Wimbledon summer is the Olympus US Open ATP Masters Tennis Series; or the Olympus US Open WTA Tennis Seris if you are a woman.  If that’s not enough of a mouthful in itself to turn you away from watching a yellow sphere become misshapen after it is struck by a kevlar-graphite compound stick with bovine gut - bovine serosa, actually -strings, you must be someone who truly loves the game.

Unfortunately what you have not seen on the women’s side of things, despite being reminded of them in the countless times the official blue US Open Series bus driven by Rafael Nadal - don’t worry, there is plenty of talk about him coming - passes on your television screen is Venus or Serena Williams. Or Ana Ivanovic. We did, though, catch glimpses of Jelena Jankovic’s black thong during the East-West WTA tournament as she choked away yet another opportunity to overtake her Serbian countrywoman Ivanovic as the number one player in the women’s game. But to make up for her gagging performances of late, Jankovic did provide us and the athletes attending the upcoming Olympics in Beijing with this anecdote about the Chinese city’s air quality:

“Jelena Jankovic of Serbia has also played in Beijing, where she said a fine coating of soot covered her body during matches. “It was a quite dirty, quite polluted area, but hopefully they will do the best they can to clear it because sometimes it looks like it’s foggy,” she said. “It can affect your breathing.”…

But alas, there are no Williams sisters accompanied by their ever-present goldilocked-crowned mother Oracene and the sisters’ bevy of sisters, half-sisters, first cousins, and anonymous pudgy white guys who always seem to be rooting just a little too hard for Venus and Serena in the friend’s box. They have pulled out of their first appearance on the Series with ankle or knee or post-Wimbledon burnout injuries

We have not seen the #1 woman, the dark-haired ingénue Ivanovic (suffering the same injuries as the Williams’, except for the fact that Venus held the trophy Ana wanted and Serena held the plate Ana would have at least settled for at the All-England Club) who is the darling of tennis and fashion magazines. We have not heard her lilting accent and not seen her gracious, to the point of almost seeming embarrassed smile as she describes yet another winning effort to a barely able to contain his eyes from wandering to her legs, Chris Fowler, ESPN’s tennis play-by-play announcer.

Oh, we also have missed Maria Sharapova until Monday night, when she will magically swoop down into Montreal and grace us with her presence followed by her downright ass of a father, Uri. Sharapova and daddy dearest Sharapov are quite the pair. Maria will scream her grunts during a match and leer menacingly at her opponent when she wins a point against her. Sharapova will clench her fist and spin quickly and yell, “C’mon!” in whatever language necessary to ingratiate her to her audience. In Monday night’s case, she’ll squeal an “Alllez! during her first summer match.

Maria has a bye in the first round. But guess what, she should meet one Bethanie Mattek, originally of Rochester Minnesota now living in Miami and wearing all sorts of audacious tennis outfits in the second round.

Meantime, close to the court, Yuri (right in Unibomber gear) will pound his chest and jut out his jaw like a Russian Bill Cowher after his daughter wins what he considers to be an important point, even if it is against some sacrificial first round lamb of a player who Maria should crush mercilessly. And if, by some chance Maria id off her game or the bracket gods have done her a disservice and she has drawn a dangerous opponent, we will be privy to the illegal coaching style of Yuri Sharapov. He will mouth instructions, make faces that must means something, or straight up yell out what advice he has for Maria.

Ahhhh, nothing like watching a caring father and a doting daughter live life together.

What we have seen from the women is the American Mattek in a classic puke-colored dress far too tight and revealing for her not quite in shape yet body. We have seen Flavia Pannetta an Italian dirtballer advance to the finals of a tournament. There she met Dinara Safina. Yes, like Marat, only female. If ever a brother and sister were more alike in their on-court demeanor, it is the Safin-Safina duo. Dinara is just 22 and has learned to channel her firey self and is now the #4 women’s player in the world. And if she continues on her run this summer and can get to the US Open finals, she might just end up the season as an unlikely #1 in the women’s game.

On the men’s side we have witnessed Roger Federer’s hangover from devastating his five-set loss to Nadal at Wimbledon. Club Fed looked like a haunted man in Toronto as he was upset in his first post-Wimby match against Gilles Simon of France. Sure, Simon won a tournament out West a week previous, but Federer ran off with the first four games like Simon he was me. But once the Frenchman won just one game, the match turned on its heels - and inexplicably out of Federer’s control. And the world’s #!, for the first time against anyone not named Nadal on clay, appeared befuddled and very uncomfortable in his own skin.

Speaking of Nadal (at left, looking far too comfortable in that position), we have seen entirely too much of the Spaniard. Like waaaay too much. Anyone else who shows up in public in a sleeveless 1980s gauche skin-tight shirt, white capris, and looking like he spends an inordinate amount of time looking in the mirror as he hefts iron and slicks down his skin would be a sure candidate for San Francisco’s Castro District, not hetero heartthrob.

But such is the nature of the 2008 global party. Federer, with his longtime girlfriend Mirka, and ex-tennis pro, is perceived as effeminate and Nadal, who until his Wimbledon victory frolic photos in English newspapers, had not been seen in the company of a woman (and in fully half of those photos Nadal was also frolicking with some skinny, curly-haired pretty boy), is perceived as macho.

Woe is us.

But Nadal took advantage of the still in shock Federer’s loss and made his way to another tournament win in Toronto last week. Tennis Channel announcer Robbie Koenig lamented that courts all over the world have been slowed down and the newly-resurfaced courts at the Rogers Cup in Toronto were extremely slow. All of which conspires to aid Nadal’s already super potent baseline game even more. Still, player looked far less afraid of the buff one on the hard stuff. And in the semifinals of the Rogers it took the chair umpire interfering with Andy Murray for Nadal to advance.

Early in the first set Murray appeared to tweak something in his knee. Again, while serving to make the score 6-5 he tweaked his knee again. On the changeover Murray asked the chair umpire to call for the trainer. The chair, unbelievably asked Murray to wait until he served again to call the trainer. An incredulous Murray asked again and the umpire said, “If you can’t walk or something I’ll call him. But otherwise…”

Murray did not get to see the trainer until after the first set tie-breaker, which he lost to Nadal 7-2. And needless to say the limping Scotsman was a cooked pie afterward.

What we do not need to see are any more extended injury timeouts afforded Nadal just at the time when he might be losing his grip on a match (at Wimbledon) or any chair umpires overreaching his boundaries and creating rules on the sport and telling players they cannot see the trainer just when Nadal is tight enough to lose his serve and be in peril against a player unafraid of his game, even on slow hard courts.

What we will almost surely not see during the Olympus US Open ATP Masters Tennis Series are any tournament victories for either Andy Roddick or James Blake. The two Americans are floundering badly with no end to their skids in sight. A-Rod - no, not that A-Rod - is even skipping the Olympics (will they be the Olympus Olympics or the Nikon Olympics?) to ready his game for the US Open. But all the readying in the world won’t help Roddick’s listless backhand, his horrifically weak return of serve, and his floundering volleys.

In Toronto, Blake looked completely disinterested in his choice of employment against Nicolas Kiefer and got busted, 6-1, 6-2. James always finds a way to roll like that - and roll himself right out of opportunities to become a consistently feared player on the ATP Tour.

What we will see is a Williams sister holding up a trophy in New York sometime arounf Labor Day - and a bunch of pissed off young white women lurking as ghosts of the 2008 US Open Women’s Draw.

What we will see is Roddick and Blake on the bus with Nadal driving and John McEnroe playing guitar (if you’ve seen the commercials, Johnny Mac is a hoot, as usual). Nadal will be dropping Blake off at his home somewhere in or near NYC and they will hit the road for I-80 West to I-35 South, so Raffa can leave Andy off in Austin, Texas.

Then he’ll drive himself and McEnroe to Austin International Airport and fly back to Spain, leaving Mac to further act like a fool.

The US Open Series will have come to an end. Roger Federer will be left to contemplate his tennis future in his favorite spot, Dubai and lament a lost season with his buddy Tiger Woods (except Tiger gutted his way to a US Open win).

Menawhile, Nadal will fly back to the island of Majorca with his first grand slam trophy earned on a hard court.

But in the meantime get the dish, tune into ESPN2, and watch the drama unfold all the way to Labor Day.

A summer without tennis isn’t a summer at all, after all.

Written by dwil · Filed Under DWil, DWil Features, Features, More Sports, Odds and..., Tennis, Writers 

Comments

5 Responses to “What’s a Summer Without the US Open Series?”

  1. kos on July 29th, 2008 8:25 am

    dwil, I know you said that Koenig lamented that tennis courts all over the world have been slowed down. I was wondering if the same is true for the courts at Arthur Ashe Stadium. The U.S. Open has boasted for a while that their courts are the fastest in the world. It would be nice to see SOMEONE have the guts to keep their courts fast instead of slowing down tennis to make it more competitive to average and below average players.

  2. dwil on July 29th, 2008 10:26 am

    kos-
    I’m trying to find out the status of the Flushing Meadows courts as they are known to be quick. The courts in Mason, Ohio at the ATP tourney this week are a quicker that those in Toronto, so we might be heading toward hard courts that have not been recently resurfaced.

  3. kos on July 29th, 2008 11:11 am

    It’ll be interesting to see if Nadal will be able to get past the 3rd round on a fast court. I believe his best finish in the U.S. Open was the quarterfinals. I think a fast court could also be the remedy for what ails Federer. His game just hasn’t been as good this year. I believe the mono messed up his regimine and training early, and he’s just never recovered. I’d love to see him win this to let folks know, he’s not done quite yet. Of course, he’s going to have to adjust his game to the slower courts next year if he has any hope of returning to his old form.

  4. grace on July 29th, 2008 12:13 pm

    LMAO!! Before I even read the post, Dwil, I have to thank you for those pictures of Bethany Mattek. Love her!! Venus is my girl, but Mattek lays it on the staid tennis establishment every time…

  5. grace on July 29th, 2008 12:17 pm

    Dwil said: “What we will see is a Williams sister holding up a trophy in New York sometime arounf Labor Day - and a bunch of pissed off young white women lurking as ghosts of the 2008 US Open Women’s Draw.”

    Yup.

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